The Kraken
by captainlecaptain
Summary: Slight POTC crossover. There's a new monster in the depths of the water on which Atlantis resides. Absurd Pirates and 'TV's and timewarpythingys. The Atlantis team better get 'Kraken'CHAPTER TWO UP! :
1. Absurd Beginings

'I highly doubt that they had television.' Reasoned a rather grumpy Canadian scientist, who sounded rather exasperated at a messy-haired American soldier. 'We don't even know what this does! It could be a…a…people maker….or a…torture device!'

'McKay.' The messy-haired American soldier stated, just as exasperated as the infamous Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay. 'It's a TV.' Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was used to McKay's antics. The silly little Canadian generally blew things out of proportion like this.

…On the other hand, more than 99 per-cent of the time, the irritating man was correct.

'We don't know that!' Rodney cried out, completely irritated and wondering why he was following Sheppard to this device anyway. Sheppard was pretty dumb when it came to things like…basic human skills.

Sheppard led Rodney into his room and headed over to the wall that was now blank. His poster of some famous 'football' player was rolled neatly and held with a rubber-band on the small couch. He pressed a small button on the wall and it opened, revealing a large screen of sorts.

Rodney was busy looking around John's room. He noticed it was smaller than his own and the view wasn't as amazing since John had an eastern room and only saw sunrise. The ocean glittered outside Atlantis. He heard something click and he turned his attention back to John who was putting a disc into a tray that had slowly slid out from the wall.

'What are you doing!?' Rodney asked as he pushed Sheppard out of the way entirely and went to retrieve the disc before Sheppard uploaded any viruses to the place.

'I was gonna watch a movie.' Sheppard replied, staring the little Canadian man down. He pressed a button on the wall and the movie commenced. The movie Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard had placed in the tray was a movie about pirates. It was _probably_ called Pirates of the Caribbean…but no one knows for sure.

Rodney, however, was a little disappointed. He had thought—no, hoped—that John had planned something different when he invited Rodney to his quarters on their free time. He watched Sheppard, expecting the pirate movie to cut in the middle of a maybe-Captain-Jack-Sparrow's sentence and change into a really bad 'Scientists Gone Wild' bad porno. It never happened. Just as Sheppard sat down, Dr. Elizabeth Weir—leader of the Atlantis Expedition—radioed in.

'Sheppard, we need you and Rodney in the main control room.' Her voice said over the radio device permanently implanted in the heads of anyone on the expedition. Sheppard sighed and stood up, paused the movie—well, he had to press lots of buttons first, but he eventually found the right button—and then turned to Rodney.

'You heard the woman.' He said and watched the Canadian. 'To the control room.' He said rather unenthusiastically. Sheppard and Rodney left, and no sooner than the door had closed, the movie began to play on its own. The scene played on as normal. The maybe-Captain-Jack-Sparrow came on to the screen, but instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing—you know, the stuff in his script-he approached the screen and held up a finger to tap it. Instead of his finger hitting glass and making an empty _ting-ting_ sound, it went right through and he nearly fell over.

'What's this now?' he asked, closing in on the screen, eventually, he popped his head through and looked around. 'Nice digs…' he said and pulled his head back. He spastically ran back to his small row-boat—if you could call it that—and grabbed a treasure chest that maybe held the beating heart of maybe-Davy-Jones.

While maybe-Captain-Jack-Sparrow was spastically running to get the chest that maybe held the beating heart of maybe-Davy-Jones, a certain-Will-Turner had come on to the screen and observed John's quarters from his own perspective.

Jack shoved Will out of the way and clamored through the screen. Will protested before climbing through as well. Jack, however, was examining the small coffee table in Sheppard's room.

'Boys got a pretty good taste in the ladies.' He commented looking through an old _Illustrated Sports: Swimsuit Edition_ that Sheppard had oh-so carelessly left out. Will stood behind Jack and nodded.

'What now?' Will asked.

'Let's rape, pillage, and plunder.' Jack said and grinned.

Will paused.

'But we're not Vikings.' He complained.

'Nor are we pirates.' Jack replied and smiled, stuffing the dirty magazine into the chest that held the beating heart of Davy Jones. He then thought a minute before _plundering_ John's room. He found more dirty magazines and stowed them away with the beating heart.

Both of the pirates left Sheppard's room, Jack also maybe stole some shiny artifacts from Sheppard's room. 'We've pillaged and plundered so far.' Jack explained to his dear friend William.

'Now all that's left is rape.' He said as he skipped off down the hall with William in tow.

-x-x-x-

In the main control room, nothing completely serious was going on. Dr. Elizabeth Weir was overreacting to a simple arachnid.

Well, maybe that was a lie, because everyone knows arachnids have eight legs and are most commonly seen as spiders. This one however was about the size of a tarantula and had about four more legs.

…It was damn fast too.

'You couldn't get this guy to try to kill it?' Sheppard asked, pointing to the man who was busy working on some computer thing. Sheppard was obviously irritated that he and Rodney had been called down to the main control room.

…to kill a spider.

Weir smiled sheepishly at Sheppard as the spider stealthily left the control room and headed down the main hallways in search of sustenance.

-x-x-x-

Meanwhile, in Sheppard's room, the 'you-really-ought-to-know-something-bad-is-about-to-happen' music was emitting from the "TV" which was now closing in on the blue ocean water. The "TV" however, had a sense of humour because it was playing the movie all wrong.

The music was not right in the least. It sounded maybe like the Jaws theme…

But everyone on Atlantis had been a recluse on the lost city for so long that they probably forgot.

The scene was now just the surface of the ocean which darkened as a large shape swam beneath.

-x-x-x-

Jack and Will had finally found their way to the mess hall. Before they barged in through the doors they held a mini-conference, such as the ones football players held before they enacted a play.

The two finished and burst through the doors and into the mess hall. No one paid them any attention as they tried to assume the bad-ass look from the doorway.

Jack sighed and watched the scientists as they chatted idly about how gross the food on Atlantis was.

'We're here to rape your women!' Jack declared. Now he had the attention he had been looking for when he and Will had burst in. There was silence until one man stood up.

'Have you pillaged and plundered yet?' he asked. All eyes were on this man. Whispers traveled around the mess hall as all the scientists unanimously agreed that this man was probably not even a scientist qualified to be on this expedition.

Jack held up the dirty magazines and some rather expensive Earth artifacts that he had pillaged and plundered from John's room.

'Yes!' He declared, melodramatically.

There was another paused.

'You don't look like Vikings!' accused a woman from the back. The whispers started. Nope, she was definitely one of the qualified scientists. Jack gave a disappointed sigh.

-x-x-x-

'Well, he could have.' Weir said in reference to the man who _could have_ killed the spider—that completely was roaming Atlantis now, by the way—but didn't. 'But _he_ suggested that _I_ call you two down here because_ he_ likes to see _Rodney_ squirm because _he_ told _me_ that _Rodney_ dislikes spiders.'

Sheppard turned to look at Rodney who smiled. He was standing on a chair, hopefully away from the spider.

One of the other men at the controls looked up and was about to make the most of his few seconds of fame…then the scene changed.

-x-x-x-

In Sheppard's quarters, the TV device was leaking Kraken. The room was filled and just before the rest of the tentacles could fit into the room, the windows in John's room exploded and the Kraken went flying out to sea.

-x-x-x-

Everyone heard the small explosion. The city shook as if from a small earthquake then it stopped.

'What's going on?' Weir demanded of the man who was about to make the most of his few seconds of fame earlier.

'Security breech.' He said, pressing buttons so that the consoles would show up on the big screen for everyone to see. He quickly clicked out of his porn and put the overview map of Atlantis on the big screen.

'Where?' Weir asked, examining the overview map.

'…Sheppard's quarters…' the man said zooming in on a pulsating dot in one of the towers.

'…I'd like to breech his quarters…' Rodney said from the back of the room. Everyone turned and looked at him, giving him odd stares—and a lopsided grin from Sheppard.

'I just said that out loud…didn't I?' he asked finally becoming aware of the awkward stares. Everyone in the room nodded in unison.

'…Shit.'

-x-x-x-

In the mess hall, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner were trying to convince the highly-qualified-scientists that pirates did, indeed, rape, pillage, and plunder.

'Everyone knows you stole the idea from the Vikings!' cried one of the scientists. The whispers traveled around in idle conversation about the mystery meat of the day, the cold coffee and Atlantis' poor excuse of chili.

Jack rolled his eyes and felt that explosion mentioned earlier. He turned to Will.

'Did we turn off the time-warpy-portal thingy?' he asked, looking down at Will. Jack was standing on a table now, trying to keep the scientists under control and Will was merely standing on the floor wondering why he even followed Jack through to this place.

'Sorry…did you say something?' Will asked, looking up at Jack.

'I asked if we turned off the time-warpy-portal thingy.' Jack graciously repeated.

'Oh…no.' Will replied. 'I thought you did.'

-x-x-x-

The spider that had been in the control room much earlier was now stealthily making it's way to the infirmary to torment the patients who had come down with anything from common colds to off-world diseases.

The spider also had a thing for the doctor.

Carson Beckett was a doctor.

Not just any doctor; a Scottish doctor. Everyone's _favorite_ doctor. He took care of people. Not just any kind of people; sick people…injured people…those…unwell…people.

The spider—which had four extra legs so it really can't be called a spider—crawled on the floor towards the bed of a patient with messy hair who had gotten a spontaneous bloody nose.

'Do you have any allergies to anything you are working with?' Carson asked.

The messy haired patient shook his head. Carson went through all the medical reasons as to why the spontaneous bleeding from the nasal cavity might have happened. The patient always answered no to any of the questions asked.

Carson sighed before examining his patient closely.

'Have you been snorting cocaine?' he finally asked.

'Maybe…' his patient answered. The messy-haired man on the table was rocking lightly and following shapes and colors with his eyes.

'Radek…' Carson sighed. 'It's not good for you.' He touched Radek's hand in a 'comforting' manner. 'I'm going to have to confiscate it, son.' He said.

Radek looked from Carson's hand up to his face.

'…Are you secretly a homosexual?' Radek asked.

'No, but I like to think I'm a pirate.' Carson replied and smiled.

At that moment, however, Jack Sparrow and William Turner were slowly being rioted down the hall.

'I wasn't really going to rape your women!' Jack announced to the crowd of angry feminist scientists. Something had probably gone very wrong in the mess hall. 'He was.' Jack said and pointed to Will. Those words had barely left Jack's lips before he turned and started running. The angry mob of feminist scientists turned their glare to Will.

'I'm…gonna go…now.' Will said before taking off after his supposed friend, Jack.


	2. Less Absurdity, More Plot

Less absurdity, more plot. Many thanks to my beta; I Rock Louder. Go read her stuff too.

---

Carson heard the riots emanating from the hallway outside of his infirmary. He left his cocaine-infested patient and went to see what the uproar was. It only made him wonder more when Dr. Weir approached him.

'Why are all our female scientists rioting?' she asked, raising an eyebrow as if she were implying it was Carson's fault.

Carson blinked. He really had no idea why they were rioting. He had no idea why Radek continued to abuse cocaine. He had no idea what was being served for lunch today.

'Um…I'm assuming it's…their…time…' He never got to finish that sentence as Weir sent him a glare that could probably shoot red-hot laser beams and fry his brains. He smiled a little and shrugged.

Weir spotted that evil spider—that really can't be called a spider—and started to slightly hyperventilate. Carson watched her, concerned as he led her into the infirmary, where it got worse. The spider was crawling tauntingly across the floor, as if it knew Elizabeth was terrified of it. Carson hadn't actually noticed the large spider-like creature crawling around in his infirmary. He helped Elizabeth to a bed where she continued to fear the spider.

He left to get some mild sedatives for the crazy woman. On his venture back into the infirmary he spotted Weir curled up on the infirmary bed, hyperventilating beyond control. He approached her and as he did, he stepped on the spider. It crunched beneath his foot and he groaned.

'This was my last pair of good shoes.' He complained, completely ignoring the fact that Weir had stopped hyperventilating. She cleared her throat. Carson blinked and looked at her.

'Oh…sorry…' he said and smiled.

Weir rolled her eyes. 'Anyway, as I was asking you earlier…' she started. 'Why are our female scientists rioting down the hallways screaming about how pirates stole ideas from Vikings?'

Carson blinked. '…Pirates?' he asked.

'We think it might have something to do with the security breech in Sheppard's quarters that happened earlier today.' Weir said. Carson nodded, he had felt the small explosion, but no one was harmed so he and his medical team were not needed.

'Has Sheppard mentioned anything out of the ordinary that might have happened to cause any of this?' Carson asked, oh-so intelligently.

Weir paused and blinked. 'No…but that's a good idea.' She stated.

-x-x-x-

'Have you ever seen one before?' Sheppard asked.

Rodney looked on in awe. 'No…' he breathed out. 'It's so…big and…and long.' Something had taken Rodney's breath away. The two were standing in Sheppard's room looking out to sea. There they saw the Kraken swimming frivolously. It was big…and long.

Sheppard got a crazy hair-brained scheme—and I mean that in the literal sense—and he grinned at Rodney. 'Wanna go check it out?' he asked watching his friend.

Rodney looked at Sheppard. 'What?' he asked.

'Do you…Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay…' he stopped and dodged a poorly aimed swing at his head. 'Want to go check out the new…octopus…thingy….?' He asked, repeating the words slowly so that Rodney's developmentally challenged mind could comprehend.

Rodney blinked then mulled it over in his head a bit, then nodded and smiled.

'Great! Let's go clear it with Weir.' Sheppard said and smiled.

'You rhymed.' Rodney pointed out.

'Well…I guess that means I'm a bit of a poet.' Sheppard mused.

Rodney rolled his eyes.

'Or you're lame.'

-x-x-x-

Meanwhile, Jack and Will had ditched the crazy feminist scientists and were now located back in the mess hall. Will was picking over a piece of pizza left on one of the plates and Jack was proceeding to empty his treasure chest of all contents.

Finally growing old with the game of 'pull out one object at a time', he turned over the chest and everything flopped out. Davy Jones' heart conveniently landed on a plate nearby. Jack greedily shifted through all his new loot and took in the scent of magazine pages and rather expensive cologne.

'Are you gonna eat that?' one of the scientists asked referring to the beating heart on one of the plates.

Jack hardly looked up. 'Yeah…you can have it….whatever…' he muttered as he sifted through his booty of dirty magazines and sniffed each of them. They smelled nice, like that cologne that he had swiped as well.

The scientist smiled and happily took the plate with the heart and went to examine it.

'You…do realize you just gave away Davy Jones' heart…right?' Will pointed out.

'…Shit.'

-x-x-x-

Rodney and Sheppard quickly made their way to Weir's office where she was sitting at her desk pooling over some paperwork of missions completed by other teams not important enough to be on the show.

Sheppard knocked on her door and she looked up and saw who it was. She waved for them to come in. They both stepped into her office.

'To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?' she asked, watching the two men. They looked like they were up to something….something naughty.

'Well, we saw what made John's room explode.' Rodney explained. 'It seemed to be a rather large octopus type creature...if we…if we could get a closer look at it we could determine what it is and think of the possi—' Weir cut him off with her hand.

'What are you two planning?' she asked, looking at John. John opened his mouth to speak but Rodney jumped in.

'We were hoping to take the puddle jumper down and see if we could get up close to it.' He said and hurriedly explained their plan to Weir who merely nodded when he paused…almost as if she wasn't listening. By the end of Rodney's long-winded explanation she had pulled out a nail file and was half way through a pedicure preformed by her perfectly manicured hands.

She looked up at him. 'Oh, you're done?' she asked before setting her feet back on the floor and laced her fingers together and set them on her desk and leaned forward. 'I trust you know the hazards of this trip, Rodney.' She stated. 'There is always the possibility that the puddle jumper would not be able to handle the strain of the atmospheric pressure and in turn would fry the systems all together stranding you two down there with some unknown creature we know nothing about.' She warned and turned to John. 'If you think you can do it, then I have no reason to stop you.' She said and leaned back in her chair. She checked her watch. 'You have an hour to prepare.' She said and watched them.

They looked at her, a little dumbfounded.

'…That means you can go.' She said.

'Oh…right.' They said and bumped into each other as they both rushed to leave at the same time.

Weir rolled her eyes. 'Men and their sea creatures…' she mused and propped her feet back up on the desk and finished her pedicure.

-x-x-x-

Sheppard and Rodney split and went their separate ways. Rodney left and headed for the lab where all of his technological possessions were kept. He grabbed his life signs detector, his 'weird-energy' sensor, his laptop, and the tablet he normally kept with him incase the jumper proved inadequate and he had to fix it and save the lives of both him and John.

Again.

John went and prepared the wet-suits—just incase—and gathered some snacks because he knew how hungry Rodney could get. He brought everything they needed to the gate room where a puddle-jumper was ready and waiting for the two. Rodney was already inside and loading his stuff into the appropriately designated areas.

John smiled and entered as well and began situating his belongings too.

'I…brought snacks…' he mumbled a little embarrassed.

Rodney smiled. 'Freak.' He said and laughed. 'If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have the hots for me.' But Rodney didn't know any better. He thought John had the hots for him.

John turned around just as Teyla came into the room. She spotted John and gave a relieved sigh as she slowed down. John smiled and left the jumper.

'Do we have any…?' Rodney started then realized John wasn't there. He turned and looked and saw him and Teyla locked in a rather erotic kiss in the middle of the gate room. Rodney felt his heart break and he turned away, hurt. He finished setting up and placed the wet suits in a small compartment overhead and sat in the passenger seat of the jumper.

John entered a few minutes—more like ten—later and sat in the driver seat of the jumper. His face was a little red and his lips a little swollen. His usually messy hair was messier and he was a teeny bit dazed. Rodney scoffed.

'We ready?' Sheppard asked as the jumper sprang to life. Rodney nodded. The ceiling of the gate room opened and Sheppard maneuvered the jumper up into the jumper hangar before piloting it towards the exit.

The jumper soared out into the sky and John checked all the sensors and everything seemed in order.

'Let's get this bitch underway…' he said and the jumper started a sharp nose-dive into the ocean.

Rodney cried out a little. He hadn't been expecting that. …He also had bad luck with jumpers and underwater and both at the same time.

He felt the jumper jump and lurch and the lights inside the cabin flickered out. The speed that the jumper was descending accelerated to speeds no human—even with the ancient gene—could control and Rodney screamed. Oh how that man screamed.

The jumper creaked and groaned under the atmospheric pressure being put on it. Rodney gripped the armrests on the chair so tightly he might've permanently imprinted his finger prints into them.

The jumper finally nosedived into the bottom of the ocean and it's passengers inside lurched forward. Rodney hit his head on the 'dashboard' of the jumper and Sheppard had meanwhile escaped the incident unscathed.

Rodney cried out as he pulled away, blood trickled down his face from over his left eye and he touched it and freaked out;

'I'm…I'm bleeding! Jesus Christ on a stick! I'm bleeding!' he began his panicky hyperventilating.

John sighed.

'McKay!' he shouted. 'Get a hold of yourself!' He said as he unbuckled and stood up and headed to the back—which was rather hard to do because the trek back there was now obstructed by a newly formed steep incline which had formed when they nose-dived right into the ocean floor.

He made it to the door and miss-stepped and fell backward and tumbled into the back of his chair that he had been sitting in only moments before. The jumper creaked and groaned in protest. Rodney shook and cowered. He definitely had bad luck with the puddle jumpers.

He had worse luck with attracting new friends in the depths of the deep sea. A great shadow passed over them and he looked up and out the front window and saw the great octopus-like creature.

It was way bigger in person and he didn't like that. He didn't like the thought that if they irritated it, it could crush them as easily as they could squeeze an orange to make orange juice. He didn't like the thought that…

'McKay!' Sheppard roared from beside him. 'Will you kindly _calm down and help me get into the back?_'

Rodney nodded and tried to stand but wasn't able to because of his buckles. 'I can't stand up!' he cried out. 'Oh God! My legs are paralyzed! I've been stabbed in the back and I'm stuck to the…'

'McKay!' Sheppard roared again. 'Unbuckle your goddamn seat belt and stand up.'

Rodney smiled sheepishly and unbuckled his seatbelts and stood up. He made his way to the back, but didn't miss-step. He pressed the button that opened the doors that lead to the back and they opened. The jumper groaned in protest again and shifted a little. Rodney grabbed the inside of the doorway to keep from falling backwards. He clamored into the back and rested against the inside of the doorway.

'Can you fix it?' John asked as he stood up and—with much difficulty—headed to the back.

'I don't know. I need to do a damage scan and then figure out how to isolate said damage then use the resources I have available and pull a MacGyver and fix it.' Rodney snapped as he retrieved his tablet from the compartment behind him.

He opened the overhead system configuration of the jumper and looked at the crystals within and back down to his tablet which he plugged into the interface. He tapped it a few times, moved a crystal or two, tapped his screen again and then continued to do a damage scan.

Within moments he had the power back to the shields, air, and lights. The engines were a slightly different problem and would require him exiting the jumper or blasting his way through the front of the damn thing to get to the engines.

'Don't raise the shields.' Rodney said as he examined his tablet. 'It's useless. There's no way to drain the water that would be trapped inside and it's just a waste of the power that we can use for air.'

John nodded and pulled out his snacks. He was a little hungry.


End file.
